Up again

So yesterday I had a chance to talk to an old friend for the first time in nearly 21 yrs ,I can in contact with this person via another friend whom I talk to on a regular. basis. I was given a phone number and called it left a message I got voice mail .The next Day or so I get a text from them.We text back and forth for a bit and I tell them I will call them tomorrow .So I called as promised .You see this person and I had a very brief but intense relationship for two years when I was very young .They said they needed to talk and that it was very emotional for them so we talked ,and they apologized for the way they treated me they way we left things and he felt horrible for the things that had occurred .While crying the whole time they ,had said that after all these years they finally had closure. .......I explained to them that these were choices they made back then and that put us where we were today ,they talked about do-overs and all kinds of things .I also told them that I had forgiven t along time ago .Either way the choices we made and the actions that we took was something both of had blame in .While it was good to hear from them and now we will be able to keep in touch I knew some how deep inside the real reason that they wanted me to call ws .yes for closure but also to mend themselves .I realize that it was mostly about their own self needs and their own conscious to feel better about their self .I on the other hand took it in stride (or so I thought ) listened and acted and said it was in the past and I was happy they were able to get some closure and move forward with their life.But today I am some how ticked that they made it about them .I am by no means angry or bitter or jaded ,I am truly happy for them .I just don't like feeling the way I do right now .It's like listening to someone work a 12 step program and I was the apology letter /

I know you can see me quit avoiding me :(

Everyday I log in just to look at your face .I have come to realize that we are two very different people than we were so many years ago .Yet still I keep thinking nothing has changed .You tell me all of those feelings are there but are they? I just don't know any more .Why do we do this to ourselves ? Why does anybody do this to themselves what is it we hope to accomplish by this pining away for long lost loves like it is going to make our lives any better? I can understand wanting to know what someone has been up to for years but what I don't understand is how we keep on expecting someone to drop what ever it is they are doing to just jump right back into your life .Sadly I am one of those people hanging on to an old love using the excuse we never got closure .When really there was closure the day that you two separated.All of the it isn't fair . I just do not get how one can expect someone to rearrange ones new life to go back 30 yrs ,and yet I still do this .People come and go in and out of your life and if your lucky enough those people that go will come round again and you can reconnect on an adult level and reminisce and remain friends with out having to feel the need to cling to past emotions .Sure old feelings may surface and some things may sting ,but in all you should be happy for the way the other persons life turned out and share the joy in the new life they have made for themselves .Only a loser lives in the past my father always said ,don't hold grudges and never try and make sense of things that have long since past.Just be truly grateful that these people have decided to let you back into their life and rejoice in the happiness that they have found in their own life 

DEF LEPPARD - "Love Bites" (Official Music Video)

Baby daddy drama

I am so tired of all of the shit that is going on min my life right now freaking baby daddy drama !So my daughters youngest child's father is a sick controlling freak !She left him shortly after their son was born and moved back in with me .She tried to make a go of it with her oldest child's father but well that didn't work because physco would not leave her alone and neither would she .So they get back together and he decides he is going to move back in here,he quits his job ,well he actually quits four in the short period that he stayed here .Sat around the house didn't help with the bills and refused to look for a place for him .my daughter and the kids to live.Mean while he has managed to disrespect every one in the house and walk around here like he owns the place .Then one day my fiance comes home and says look you need to go I hate to even come home because you two are fighting all the time ,you can come visit the kids but that's it .So physco moves out but still tries to find a reason to sleep here either by "accidentally falling asleep or by having to make sure his son from a previous relationship has a place to stay since his mother will not watch him .Well this goes on for a few weeks ,until he has to go to court for child support for his oldest ,they drop child support on him with my daughter stating that they were together.Shortly after he quits coming around as much and finally he comes no more.Then we get threatening text crazy phone calls police call the house accusing every one of doing all kinds of ridiculous stuff.He messages me, my guy ,my daughters friends ,and the new person she is currently talking to,sends  random texts trying to get them to violate the no contact order .No one responds .Then today while my daughter is at school my son is sleeping he concocts another hair brained scheme,He sends the police over here saying my son is making threats shows pictures to the police of some things that look incriminating and saying that my son was messaging him making threats ,Which by the way is bullshit because my son doesn't even associate with this person in any way shape or form .we had to give all of our cell phone numbers to the officer.This guy just will not stop ! It isn't going to end very pretty for any of us including him .The only one that can place a restraining order on him is my daughter and she refuses to do so .He has already tried to  muscle his way into our house (and appropriately got his ass handed to him ) and tried to get in here on several occasions .I am just wondering if he will try his shit again tonight ? I really cannot take any more of this crap at all too done/

Mother knows best ? or does she ?

So I found a way to chat with him ,through poker lol then we just went to the original,chat window and we talked ,and we talked ,I did eventually ask if he was happy and he said yes,and asked if I was .He stated that at first he didn't accept my friends request because he didn't know what to say and something about memory lane he didn't want to go down that road  .We eventually did travel down that road and expressed some feelings that I think we left unresolved .My heart lept when he said I was his whole world (back then not now as he does state he is happily married ) When I asked how he met wife number two he laughed and said fb .I then asked if he met wife number two while still married to wife number one ,he declined to answer .I do know that he was married to wife number one for 17 yrs! I would now like to take this time to thank my mother for doing everything in her power to keep me from the love of my life because she thought it was what was best for me :( .17 yrs he stayed with one woman !I havent even seen 17 years with the same person aside from my own children !Thankyou you mom for destroying what could of been a very happy life for me .Instead I am left to a string of bad relationships ,abuse and loneliness for the past almost 30 yrs of my life !(ok Rant over ) I guess the old saying mother knows best is not always true. Oh and did I mention that after my mother pulled us apart thinking that miles and miles between us would work we only lived about an hour from each other for like 10 yrs!but no information highway back then .He has a very good job and is doing well for himself ,me on the other hand struggles every day to find a bright spot .Thank you again mom for doing what you thought was best .How can I ever possibly repay you for the bullshit my life has been since you decided to live it for me back then . 

For the love of a BAD BOY!

O.k I am not above lurking around facebook searching out ol friends or ex-boyfriends ,in fact isn't that what you are supposed to do ? I and many other of my friends have found each other in this way.So after trolling around for a few years I find an old boyfriend from like almost 30 yrs ago I have to admit that I shamelessly looked for him in paid on line searches and everything then one day I type his shortened name into the search bar and there he is on Fb his picture pops up ! I almost die ! So I immediately send a friends request,only to notice seconds later that there is a picture of a woman with him in his profile pic .oops ! He is married ,but ..I am engaged to a wonderful man so no big deal right ? Wrong I leave a little message in his inbox just alerting him to who it is and how we were connected ,just in-case he forgot  me .And then I call my sister ,tell her and go to this guys profile like every day ,then I start lurking on his wife's page just to see if he has been on line .I am starting to become obsessed with this person accepting my friends request.Then like two weeks later he accepts ! yay ! I am soo elated but then it dawned on me she might be keeping track of everything he is doing .So we send jokes back and forth like each others pictures and so on ,then just yesterday he posts a you tube video and the comment is I know someone who remembers this ,I couldn't  believe it ! He was referring to me ! my heart raced he was liking all of my posts and I was secretly thrilled .Then later that night he starts to chat with me !we talk for a few I explain how it is that I found him ,he lets me know he isn't avoiding me he remembers allot too.If he all of a sudden goes off line it is because his wife has walked into the room .then my computer goes ape shit ! It is just like when we were younger are parents tried everything to keep us apart and now my fn internet is trying to do the same ! now it seems just as it was before lol stolen moments .I honestly do not want to try and break this guys marriage up nor do I want to ruin my relationship with the guy I am with i just want to catch up see ,what he has been doing for the past 30 yrs ,It is hard to forget your first love ,even harder to forget when it seemed like everyone and the whole world was against you at the time,and since he set the standard for every man I would  fall for for the rest of my life I wanted to know how he turned out ! and thought maybe he would want to know what has been going on in my life as well .He is by far my favorite bad boy of all :) so I found my self writing in his chat box are you happy? then I deleted it and never sent it .I think that that may have been a bit too much to ask

And so this is how it is

And again I sit up not able to sleep just now realizing that I even had a blog !Really though my life has been through so many changes since I last logged in here I realized that said person I talked about last time I blogged was and is not the love of my life ! I do not have one particular love ,I have many different loves and they come in all sizes ,for instance my Grand children they are the smallest of my greatest loves .Kennedy,Brooklyn,and of course River ,while I loves all of them with my whole heart I love each of them differently,They say you are not supposed to have a favorite ,but well...... I do ,but I choose not to discuss that here and right now.I have three children and at one time I believed they were my greatest accomplishments but well,they are and they aren't and again you are not supposed to have favorites but ,well... I do and again I will not divulge that here either.            As far as my romantic loves well there have been a few that I can actually say I was in love with but then there were some I thought I was in love with and some I think I pitied ,but my father told me that was a form of love ,I am not so sure though as I would of never professed my undieing love for them either.Don't get me wrong my heart has been broken battered and abused,(only because I chose to let it be )and there are a few I wished I wouldn't of let get away either and some I wish I would of never met.They say everyone that passes through your life is there to teach you a lesson or you to teach them.I have not yet figured out what my purpose has been in some of these relationships ,or why I even bothered at all.My children were sent to mew to teach me patience,humility,and the act of giving of ones self totally .My grandchildren they are little pieces of me as well so they were sent here to me I believe to give me great joy ,which they do .sometimes it is the greatest joy to give them back to there parents :) I would like to say that I am grateful for all of the people that have entered my life ,for from them I have learned lessons ,I may not of payed attention at the time with some of them but I can look back now and say yeah it was meant to happen that way for a reason .Other times I am like ,really?all of that bullshit for that .Here I am pushing 50 and I still have no clue in which direction my life is going or what.I would like to think that it is almost time for me to relax and just chill.But with some of my children at home I feel it may be a few years until that can happen *sigh* But what the heck I still have five more years til 50 gets here maybe then I can enjoy that rocking chair ,or long trips with whom ever I choose to spend my time with fishing and playing with grandkids.I would like to think that this will happen sooner rather than later but who knows ,and for now this is as it is supposed to be