And so this is how it is

And again I sit up not able to sleep just now realizing that I even had a blog !Really though my life has been through so many changes since I last logged in here I realized that said person I talked about last time I blogged was and is not the love of my life ! I do not have one particular love ,I have many different loves and they come in all sizes ,for instance my Grand children they are the smallest of my greatest loves .Kennedy,Brooklyn,and of course River ,while I loves all of them with my whole heart I love each of them differently,They say you are not supposed to have a favorite ,but well...... I do ,but I choose not to discuss that here and right now.I have three children and at one time I believed they were my greatest accomplishments but well,they are and they aren't and again you are not supposed to have favorites but ,well... I do and again I will not divulge that here either.            As far as my romantic loves well there have been a few that I can actually say I was in love with but then there were some I thought I was in love with and some I think I pitied ,but my father told me that was a form of love ,I am not so sure though as I would of never professed my undieing love for them either.Don't get me wrong my heart has been broken battered and abused,(only because I chose to let it be )and there are a few I wished I wouldn't of let get away either and some I wish I would of never met.They say everyone that passes through your life is there to teach you a lesson or you to teach them.I have not yet figured out what my purpose has been in some of these relationships ,or why I even bothered at all.My children were sent to mew to teach me patience,humility,and the act of giving of ones self totally .My grandchildren they are little pieces of me as well so they were sent here to me I believe to give me great joy ,which they do .sometimes it is the greatest joy to give them back to there parents :) I would like to say that I am grateful for all of the people that have entered my life ,for from them I have learned lessons ,I may not of payed attention at the time with some of them but I can look back now and say yeah it was meant to happen that way for a reason .Other times I am like ,really?all of that bullshit for that .Here I am pushing 50 and I still have no clue in which direction my life is going or what.I would like to think that it is almost time for me to relax and just chill.But with some of my children at home I feel it may be a few years until that can happen *sigh* But what the heck I still have five more years til 50 gets here maybe then I can enjoy that rocking chair ,or long trips with whom ever I choose to spend my time with fishing and playing with grandkids.I would like to think that this will happen sooner rather than later but who knows ,and for now this is as it is supposed to be