For the love of a BAD BOY!

O.k I am not above lurking around facebook searching out ol friends or ex-boyfriends ,in fact isn't that what you are supposed to do ? I and many other of my friends have found each other in this way.So after trolling around for a few years I find an old boyfriend from like almost 30 yrs ago I have to admit that I shamelessly looked for him in paid on line searches and everything then one day I type his shortened name into the search bar and there he is on Fb his picture pops up ! I almost die ! So I immediately send a friends request,only to notice seconds later that there is a picture of a woman with him in his profile pic .oops ! He is married ,but ..I am engaged to a wonderful man so no big deal right ? Wrong I leave a little message in his inbox just alerting him to who it is and how we were connected ,just in-case he forgot  me .And then I call my sister ,tell her and go to this guys profile like every day ,then I start lurking on his wife's page just to see if he has been on line .I am starting to become obsessed with this person accepting my friends request.Then like two weeks later he accepts ! yay ! I am soo elated but then it dawned on me she might be keeping track of everything he is doing .So we send jokes back and forth like each others pictures and so on ,then just yesterday he posts a you tube video and the comment is I know someone who remembers this ,I couldn't  believe it ! He was referring to me ! my heart raced he was liking all of my posts and I was secretly thrilled .Then later that night he starts to chat with me !we talk for a few I explain how it is that I found him ,he lets me know he isn't avoiding me he remembers allot too.If he all of a sudden goes off line it is because his wife has walked into the room .then my computer goes ape shit ! It is just like when we were younger are parents tried everything to keep us apart and now my fn internet is trying to do the same ! now it seems just as it was before lol stolen moments .I honestly do not want to try and break this guys marriage up nor do I want to ruin my relationship with the guy I am with i just want to catch up see ,what he has been doing for the past 30 yrs ,It is hard to forget your first love ,even harder to forget when it seemed like everyone and the whole world was against you at the time,and since he set the standard for every man I would  fall for for the rest of my life I wanted to know how he turned out ! and thought maybe he would want to know what has been going on in my life as well .He is by far my favorite bad boy of all :) so I found my self writing in his chat box are you happy? then I deleted it and never sent it .I think that that may have been a bit too much to ask

And so this is how it is

And again I sit up not able to sleep just now realizing that I even had a blog !Really though my life has been through so many changes since I last logged in here I realized that said person I talked about last time I blogged was and is not the love of my life ! I do not have one particular love ,I have many different loves and they come in all sizes ,for instance my Grand children they are the smallest of my greatest loves .Kennedy,Brooklyn,and of course River ,while I loves all of them with my whole heart I love each of them differently,They say you are not supposed to have a favorite ,but well...... I do ,but I choose not to discuss that here and right now.I have three children and at one time I believed they were my greatest accomplishments but well,they are and they aren't and again you are not supposed to have favorites but ,well... I do and again I will not divulge that here either.            As far as my romantic loves well there have been a few that I can actually say I was in love with but then there were some I thought I was in love with and some I think I pitied ,but my father told me that was a form of love ,I am not so sure though as I would of never professed my undieing love for them either.Don't get me wrong my heart has been broken battered and abused,(only because I chose to let it be )and there are a few I wished I wouldn't of let get away either and some I wish I would of never met.They say everyone that passes through your life is there to teach you a lesson or you to teach them.I have not yet figured out what my purpose has been in some of these relationships ,or why I even bothered at all.My children were sent to mew to teach me patience,humility,and the act of giving of ones self totally .My grandchildren they are little pieces of me as well so they were sent here to me I believe to give me great joy ,which they do .sometimes it is the greatest joy to give them back to there parents :) I would like to say that I am grateful for all of the people that have entered my life ,for from them I have learned lessons ,I may not of payed attention at the time with some of them but I can look back now and say yeah it was meant to happen that way for a reason .Other times I am like ,really?all of that bullshit for that .Here I am pushing 50 and I still have no clue in which direction my life is going or what.I would like to think that it is almost time for me to relax and just chill.But with some of my children at home I feel it may be a few years until that can happen *sigh* But what the heck I still have five more years til 50 gets here maybe then I can enjoy that rocking chair ,or long trips with whom ever I choose to spend my time with fishing and playing with grandkids.I would like to think that this will happen sooner rather than later but who knows ,and for now this is as it is supposed to be