For the love of a BAD BOY!

O.k I am not above lurking around facebook searching out ol friends or ex-boyfriends ,in fact isn't that what you are supposed to do ? I and many other of my friends have found each other in this way.So after trolling around for a few years I find an old boyfriend from like almost 30 yrs ago I have to admit that I shamelessly looked for him in paid on line searches and everything then one day I type his shortened name into the search bar and there he is on Fb his picture pops up ! I almost die ! So I immediately send a friends request,only to notice seconds later that there is a picture of a woman with him in his profile pic .oops ! He is married ,but ..I am engaged to a wonderful man so no big deal right ? Wrong I leave a little message in his inbox just alerting him to who it is and how we were connected ,just in-case he forgot  me .And then I call my sister ,tell her and go to this guys profile like every day ,then I start lurking on his wife's page just to see if he has been on line .I am starting to become obsessed with this person accepting my friends request.Then like two weeks later he accepts ! yay ! I am soo elated but then it dawned on me she might be keeping track of everything he is doing .So we send jokes back and forth like each others pictures and so on ,then just yesterday he posts a you tube video and the comment is I know someone who remembers this ,I couldn't  believe it ! He was referring to me ! my heart raced he was liking all of my posts and I was secretly thrilled .Then later that night he starts to chat with me !we talk for a few I explain how it is that I found him ,he lets me know he isn't avoiding me he remembers allot too.If he all of a sudden goes off line it is because his wife has walked into the room .then my computer goes ape shit ! It is just like when we were younger are parents tried everything to keep us apart and now my fn internet is trying to do the same ! now it seems just as it was before lol stolen moments .I honestly do not want to try and break this guys marriage up nor do I want to ruin my relationship with the guy I am with i just want to catch up see ,what he has been doing for the past 30 yrs ,It is hard to forget your first love ,even harder to forget when it seemed like everyone and the whole world was against you at the time,and since he set the standard for every man I would  fall for for the rest of my life I wanted to know how he turned out ! and thought maybe he would want to know what has been going on in my life as well .He is by far my favorite bad boy of all :) so I found my self writing in his chat box are you happy? then I deleted it and never sent it .I think that that may have been a bit too much to ask

And so this is how it is

And again I sit up not able to sleep just now realizing that I even had a blog !Really though my life has been through so many changes since I last logged in here I realized that said person I talked about last time I blogged was and is not the love of my life ! I do not have one particular love ,I have many different loves and they come in all sizes ,for instance my Grand children they are the smallest of my greatest loves .Kennedy,Brooklyn,and of course River ,while I loves all of them with my whole heart I love each of them differently,They say you are not supposed to have a favorite ,but well...... I do ,but I choose not to discuss that here and right now.I have three children and at one time I believed they were my greatest accomplishments but well,they are and they aren't and again you are not supposed to have favorites but ,well... I do and again I will not divulge that here either.            As far as my romantic loves well there have been a few that I can actually say I was in love with but then there were some I thought I was in love with and some I think I pitied ,but my father told me that was a form of love ,I am not so sure though as I would of never professed my undieing love for them either.Don't get me wrong my heart has been broken battered and abused,(only because I chose to let it be )and there are a few I wished I wouldn't of let get away either and some I wish I would of never met.They say everyone that passes through your life is there to teach you a lesson or you to teach them.I have not yet figured out what my purpose has been in some of these relationships ,or why I even bothered at all.My children were sent to mew to teach me patience,humility,and the act of giving of ones self totally .My grandchildren they are little pieces of me as well so they were sent here to me I believe to give me great joy ,which they do .sometimes it is the greatest joy to give them back to there parents :) I would like to say that I am grateful for all of the people that have entered my life ,for from them I have learned lessons ,I may not of payed attention at the time with some of them but I can look back now and say yeah it was meant to happen that way for a reason .Other times I am like ,really?all of that bullshit for that .Here I am pushing 50 and I still have no clue in which direction my life is going or what.I would like to think that it is almost time for me to relax and just chill.But with some of my children at home I feel it may be a few years until that can happen *sigh* But what the heck I still have five more years til 50 gets here maybe then I can enjoy that rocking chair ,or long trips with whom ever I choose to spend my time with fishing and playing with grandkids.I would like to think that this will happen sooner rather than later but who knows ,and for now this is as it is supposed to be  

The story of us

So I sit here in my living room browsing along on Facebook .When I come across ed ,well should I say that I searched a Fb page of someone who means the entire world to me and has been very dear to my heart for 15 yrs . Seems this someones ex made them a F.B page . Of course I already knew that . As said person does not have a fb page . or even uses the Internet.anyways long story short first said person had no pictures on said fb page now pictures of him and his ex wife fill the page .When they were not there before .Wondering just what was really going on and why all of a sudden this person feels the need to let me know who she is and what her connection to this person is ? Wondering if I should write a letter to the love of my life or message the ex wife?Or should I say soon to be ex wife? As he informs me they have been separated for 2 yrs . She how ever just recently split with her boyfriend who she says beat her . She has been living north in Clarks with him for a while now not sure where it is she is from or how he met her but she is how ever 25 yrs younger than him.He says he wants a sober woman and  I can give him that .She says he is a nutty asshole and I understand that as I have known him almost half of my life .Both of his ex wives lol i know . I think that this is just too much for my brain to handle .He wants me North I want to be with him but need to know my children (even though they r grown) r safe .I do not understand my attraction or my need to be with this person .I have no clue as to why he has this freaking hold over my heart .Maybe I need serious mental help lol Idk anymore .All I do know is i honestly love this person long to be with him every single day.From the moment I met him all I ever wanted to do was belong to him .

and as I sit here contemplating my freaking life ? I am like wtf really ?People piss me off my boyfriend (fiancee) what ever you want to call him is sooo damn judgmental of every one in my life he is quick to point the finger quick to judge and quick to point out all the faults of everyone I love or care about.I know this may sound petty or immature but really I can't take this anymore.I just want to be left the fuck alone .I know I have faults I know I am not perfect,so dont freaking judge me .He has no children of his own nor does he want any (so he says).I am a bad parent for letting one of my children drop outta school (i have three)Said child is way too smart to put up with uneducated teachers crap.They do not want toteach the right way he calls them out on it and the public looks at me and says why cant you do anything with this child lock him up and throw away the key he is no good .I say B.S. he is bright intelligent and wise way beyond his years,challenge him ,he will be interested.Grant it I live in he one state ranked lowest on the scale for public education but still we are trusting these people with the future of our children. My tax dollars pay for you to get a pay check ,so therefore you should do what is expected of you and teach ,not because you have to but because you want to. as far as athe ol man goes well I havem slowly come to realize that this relationship is a lost cause.Nothing I do or say is good enough and more is always expected of me .I can'y give anymore I am done empty and just want to be left alone .Please don't be so quick to judge me unless you have stood in my shoes.I am a real person just like anyone else I think I feel I breathe I cry just like every other human being on this planet .So if I come across as crass or rude eff you I am who I am and not your or anyone else is going to change me .GOD made me this way for a reason deal with it

and so yet again another tragic death of one of my sons friends caused by drinking and driving.As always they blame the driver who killed his girlfriend and the love of his life never mind that she made the choice to get into the vehicle with him.Dont get me wrong I in no way condone drinking and driving ,but I cannot tolerate the people who judge him for his actions .while she is gone he has to wake up every day for the rest of his life and live with the fact that he killed someone he truly loved.People are quick to judge and point the finger at the survivor in these cases.When we need to look at who the person was that provided the underage drinkers with their acohol.Why is it o.k for us to provide underage people with acohol and then blast them for drinking and driving when its the older people that provide them with the acohol that they drink?Should we point the finger at the person who provided them with the acohol and blame them?They would not be drinking and driving underage if the of age person provided them with the acohol.Shame on you for beating down the minor child who was givin the acohol by the leagal adult!

I just don't understand today's youth.I mean i realize its a generational thing.And that we aren't suppose to understand them.But I coming from a very laid back upbringing should be able to get these kids to come to some sort of compromise with each other.they scream they fight they throw things they argue with me about who should go to their room who should shut the fuck up leave each other alone its like www 3 at my house 24-7 and I get no relief and no help from the person who is suppose to be helping me raise these kids.i feel like climbing under a rock and staying there.I know that parents are suppose to love their children unconditionally but do we have to like them as well.ts not my fault they are growing up to be snotty ingrates that nobody will want to be around .i don't even remember fighting this much with my own sister it really does disturb me.I don't like feeling like this about my own children but I cant stand them.

Birthdays r just another day for you to find one more wrinkle

Another year older one more wrinkle oh look I found a dimple sadly its on my ass I don't care how much you work out how much you spend on wrinkle creams you cant slow down the signs of ageing.I believe that when my cute adorable children became teenagers my looks quickly began to fade.Of course I realized that things were going to sag and droop but whats up with the bingo arms ?It just seems so sad that I cant stop it .Maybe if I had my own personal makeup artist,or some magical way to airbrush away all of my flaws!But honestly we all must do this ageing thing.So chalk up one more year,one more wrinkle,one more damn dimple maybe by next year I can make a minature golf course outta my ass and use my crows feet as a roadmap.and my flabby back arms as sales on my new boat.